Egodystonia

I’ve been reading on OCD and OCPD (disorder/personality disorder).  They are supposed to be distinct, though as far as I can tell, the distinction is whether or not you are distressed by your disorder.  Both have intrusive thoughts, but OCD seeks to resolve these through unproductive rituals while OCPD focuses on perfectionistic behavior that is self affirming, or egosyntonic.

I guess what has happened with me is I was raised in clutter, so it’s like my hoarding disorder is egosyntonic.  But for my husband, who I’d speculate is more OCPD, it’s a major cause of distress (even though I’ve often tried to observe to him that he keeps crap too.)

In the past, I’ve tried putting in a good day’s work cleaning and he’s never able to praise me for it.  I guess it’s somewhat freeing to understand this is a disorder in him, that I can safely pursue my own course of recovery without being emotionally invested in his approval.

Hoarding disorder

Snippets from posts at sakeriver:

We discussed anxiety disorders in ab psy this week, and I was feeling pretty good about my management of obsessive thoughts (like the O in OCD) as another girl talked about her need to check the garage door a certain number of times.

However, it’s dawning on me that my hoarding disorder could be what I’m doing with the obsessions.

On the up side, I stopped to look at my tires today and one of them was actually floppy.  (I usually check and nothing’s wrong.)  It’s been especially frustrating since we’ve had chronic tire pressure dummy lights on the dashboard.

I mean that’s the hard part if you have OCD and you are religious, but also somewhat a rational person.  Is it God or the devil or just my stupid cingulate gyrus?

It’s been interesting to go back to the idea that I still have some cognitive sleight of hand going down.  I guess going with the mask theme, there are parts of my mask I don’t realize are there.  Kind of like when I learned opticianry, I discovered glasses were may more complex than I’d realized just from wearing them for years.

(I should add I’m not diagnosing myself from whole cloth here, I actually have been diagnosed with both OCD and anxiety disorder by a professional, but the DSM-V no longer has them in one group, which is fascinating but also a little scary to me.  My instructor has much to say on the limitations of the DSM-V.  I do think this particular division is trying to align with neurologic etiology.)

AND

I somewhat fancifully mentioned altering my brain lateralization a few weeks ago, but apparently it is something they can see in the brains of people with general anxiety disorder.  Though they mentioned more activity in the left frontal lobe that may be associated with autonomic inhibition… which I don’t quite understand, if they mean inhibiting emotion or inhibition relaxation, or both.  I guess if one had to inhibit both in order to inhibit one… well, that could explain a lot about some people I know.  It would explain why avoiding distressing emotions (that are already yours) causes you to be more physiologically stressed, and why it would be healing to deal with distressing emotions.

Wacky.

AND

I came across this fairly simple tool for hoarding disorder.
http://www.ocfoundation.org/uploadedFiles/Hoarding/Resources/Hoarding%20Rating%20Scale%20with%20interpret.pdf

As a 12 stepper, I guess I’ve always hoped my higher power would help me overcome the hoarding.  But it feels like it’s going to be a lot of work.  Though if I think about it, nothing I ever did in 12 steps came about easily.  Some things have happened that I didn’t expect.  I guess I hoped it would be a side effect, like that.

Fortunately, unfortunately

Fortunately we got a good number from the refi, unfortunately it was contingent on a number of additional repairs. It’s rough because we have this large load of tasks hovering over us, but without as much of a hard deadline… I think. I should ask the guy about that.

I find I am not as focused coming into this semester as I have been others. Possible reasons:

  • I missed the first session of most classes due to vacation
  • these grades won’t apply toward PA applications
  • I got derailed on my plan to take general chemistry (therefore apply to RMUHP)
  • I am now looking ahead at plan B of nursing school
  • spacepook has moved far away
  • money stress from the refi suspension

That seems like enough reasons to be a little distracted.  I’m trying to only eat from food storage for my own lunches and snacks.  I have powdered eggs and peanut butter as well as various other stuff, so it’s good.  We need to work through our canned goods anyway.  

If our consciousness is like Freud’s iceberg, I guess if you push it deeper (by going into less saline water, to kill the analogy with overextension) maybe you lose control over which things will remain in the open air.